Orcas Leaf

Moved to BlogSpot

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 19:20:05 GMT

For those of you who haven't realized it, I've moved my blog and started a new podcast. Its been going on for just under a year and you can find it by going either to:
http://Bleedingpurplepodcast.blogspot.com

or easier ot remember:
http://WWW.Wonderosity.Org

Its been quite fun and surprising to see the number of people listening (Abour 100 unique visits to the blog per day, and about 50-100 podcast downloads per day).

Sorry for not notifying some of you earlier.

Peace,
Leif

Bleeding Purple Podcast

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 06:30:46 GMT

Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything.

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 17:16:02 GMT

A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices.

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 18:14:46 GMT

I googled the phrase "Too much information" today.

530,000 direct hits.

And no, there are not that many 'The Police' websites.

Butterfly Effect

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 05:46:10 GMT

Just finished the ButterFly Effect...another disturbingly trippy movie. Not an Anna movie...nuh uh.

I'm stumped on one thing though...okay, so it seems like this movie is saying "Don't screw with the past, because it will only make things worse...or at least, will ripple about other effects that are just as hard to deal with as the things your trying to change in the first place". But then the protagonist goes back one last time and seems to fix everything!?...ah, but perhaps here is the rub...it comes at the cost of love.

The 'root' memory that he has to change is his original love...he has to decide (or to pretend) to hate her...and as a result of that...his friends don't get killed or go nuts...the girl is okay...and his mom doesn't have cancer.

But, again...at the cost of love.

So, does the movie say to the watcher: Love (and the attachments it engenders) is ultimately the source of our sufferings. Avoid it.

OR

does the movie say to you...dude, life's gonna have some tough shit...but the only way to avoid that fact is to not love, to become numb, reject your feelings, etc.

However I think most people walk away from the movie thinking --"Yay! He fixed everything, and he'll probably get together with that girl later. I sure wish I could change my past."

But you can't...not really...

I think you can change how you experience a memory...you learn more about background info, other people's perspectives, yourself, human nature, etc...and this is turn changes your memory/experience of the past...which does, in turn, change your present. So there is kind of a cool trippy truth to the movie. Hmmm.

13 -the movie

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 06:19:33 GMT

I just saw the movie "13".

Woh!, not quite what I expected...that was intense!
Honest too.

Have you, my teen friends, seen it? What did you think?
My hopeful side says --this could be an awesome tool to get kids (and parents) being real with each other and issues they are facing today:
-the 'absent' father (usually, sometimes mother)
-how we (parents,friends, etc) all influence each other
-school pressues
-drugs/alcohol issues
-the relationship between pain and pleasuer (cutting, self-mutilation, etc)

My paranoid side sayd --this movie could expose kids to more than they need to be exposed to --and the 'drama' can be alluring, attractive, seductive, etc... i.e. "Hmmm, I hadn't thought of that...looks fun...it fucked her up, but maybe it could help me...or if it fucks me up, at least I'll get some attention."

What do you think?

Top Ten Addictions, Idols...Illusions

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 06:14:23 GMT

Support our Country!
Buy into:

Fear
Oil
Pornography
Religious Elitism
Sugar
Technology
Coolness
Money
Caffeine
Entertainment

Our Top Ten Addictions, Idols...Illusions.

And don't tell me your hands aint dirty.

More Hope: www.orderofcharity.org

Mon, 13 Sep 2004 17:29:45 GMT

THE COMPANIONS OF THE ECUMENICAL ORDER OF CHARITY

WHO WE ARE
The Order of Charity is a truly ecumenical, non-clerical, religious order of men and women who are married, single, celibate or in committed relationships. Members come from a wide variety of backgrounds, denominations, orientations, lifestyles, and employment. Membership is open to all who heed the Call of Christ, whether following the Jesus of history, the Christ of faith, or the Cosmic Christ. We seek to be inclusive of all who desire to walk the spiritual journey of religious life with us. Our goal is to accommodate, rather than exclude. Our Rule of Life, The Founding Document, is the Community's binding element and best captures our unique charisms of ecumenism, non-violence, and universal citizenship. The Founding Document is a free standing instrument, open to change, which aids our spiritual renewal, consecration, and pilgrimage into an ever-increasing spiritual horizon. We have no other by-laws, customary, or constitutions for the Order.

By the five vows of Simplicity of Life, Purity of Heart, Obedience, Non-Violence, and Universal Citizenship, we consecrate our personal lives and energies to the task of becoming centers of value radiation in society. Our special mission is to bring others to the realization of the Light which shines within each person and unifies all creation.

OUR MISSION
The emblem of our Order, which each Companion wears, is the figure of a person with arms and face raised to heaven, symbolizing the hunger of the human heart for the presence of God. Through the Works of Charity, we assist people to be reunited here on earth with God, who is the origin of all. Our goal is universal redemption: the restoration of all people to the image of God. Everything we do, we do for the sake of the Kingdom.

Now we're talking...

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 22:43:45 GMT

From a Church's website: (www.wildrosechurch.org)

We honor each person's spiritual journey
We view the Bible in its historic context
We use gender-neutral language in worship
We educate and act on peace and justice issues
We celebrate the heart of the gospel message - God's inclusive love
We celebrate our diversity
We take seriously Jesus' ministry of welcoming all
We strive to be multiracial, multicultural, and accessible to all
We are open and affirming of gay and lesbian persons
We believe we have a sacred obligation to be good stewards of the earth
We have no creed or test for membership

Some Random Observations of Late:

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 18:29:32 GMT

*Posting your deepest struggles on the internet can get you involved in more relationships than you can handle with integrity 00especially as a married man and father going through major transitions in life.

*It is extremely difficult for me to stay focused, or to not lose myself, when in front of a computer screen (any screen for that matter). I drift, get fuzzy headed and seem to lack the deeper creative juices. Typing with the creen down or having a serious desire to focus (or accountability) are the only things that seem to work.

*Exercise, though really hard to get into at first, gets easier after the first few times –then you remember how good it makes you feel and you want to stay on top of it as well.

*While I still find religious/spiritual ideas interesting, they most often lead me into major complexity, defensiveness, arguments, etc. –what I want to focus on now instead, is people’s actual spiritual experiences and practices –those that enable them to live a meaningful

Can we out imagine reality?

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 18:24:27 GMT

Lately I’ve wondered: What if we humans were capable of imagining a version of reality that is actually better (in some sense) than Reality itself is able to come up with?

We would be right and brave to change what we could (of reality as it is now --i.e. certain kinds of social injustice) into our imagining, but surely we would be foolish to strive to change (or to even want to change) reality that can’t be changed (ie –if this were true about the idea of a loving, transcendent God).

Either way, the fact that my heart and mind have been sobering up to lately is this: I must open my tight hand --the conditions I have that reality be as I want it to be before I will‘accept it’ and be ‘'okay'. I must let reality be what it is –for it *will* be what it is.

However, this acceptance and surrender is tough…man is it tough.

Yet, it might be better than banging the head of my heart against an immovable wall everyday.

Thu, 02 Sep 2004 18:53:50 GMT

I want to trust and believe that there is a God who transcends creation (i.e. was before all, would still ‘be’ if this created universe fizzled) and most importantly to me is a somewhat separate (though could include all beings, be inside me, etc) relational, loving Being who hears us, reveals to us, helps us, etc. This is still my deep hope –as it has brought me great joy, peace, security, etc. in the past when I trusted this and occasionally experienced the truth of it (or did I…says a voice…).

Getting in the way of this hope/trust/belief are primarily these three problems.

1) A lack of experience of God’s presence/personal-ness lately –not feeling loved, pursued, directly spoken to, led, prayers answered, etc. Perhaps its just a dark night of the soul, perhaps it is my sin/doubt/impatience. Perhaps God is speaking so loudly and through so much but I am just blind to it…I don’t know, but my sense is ab-sense.

2) Related to the above –feeling that I/we as a people (of this planet) have been abandoned to the confusion of the age –so much information!, ideas, possibilities, religions, denominations, interpretations, etc…if God were personal, loving and wanting us to know Her/Him –wouldn’t God reveal a little more specifically his/her nature and the way of salvation/enlightenment to our PRESENT age in a CLEAR way.

3) Looking at nature as a reflection of ultimate reality, as ‘God’s image’…I see two core emergent trends:
i)The sense that those who care, who love, who look out for others, who make themselves vulnerable to hurt, who sacrifice, etc. –although weak, etc…that these people, those they care for, and their ideas –like a mustard seed…thrive and grow and shine. Yet…

ii) Survival of the fittest –this ‘tooth and claw’ side of nature –what does this violence ‘selfish gene’ ‘ethic’ within nature, say about the nature of God? To me it seems to say either that a God (of love) is not part of the picture, is much more okay with violence and self-promoting ambition, etc. than I had thought, or I guess that God, , so valuing free-will and our being a part of the creative process –from the very beginning –had to do it the way he did it –starting with energy and light, moving to simple organisms, moving to a violent prehistoric period in which only strong, clever beings with ‘just the right stuff’ would survive, etc….(and perhaps God didn’t like the violence, or perhaps if we were even more clever, we could have found ways of surviving without all the violence…)
but then…why all the animals and cycle of nature that depends of killing each other to survive? Perhaps God is just a sicko who uses these means to bring about life.
What I’m getting at here is if ‘the lion shall lay down with the lamb’ is a God given peaceful vision of the future ends, why did he/she either create, co-create, or ‘allow’ such violent means? Doesn’t nature’s violence (imaging God) model to us the opposite of a God of love?

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 08:20:32 GMT

Challenge: Tie my current topical interest together into a semi-cohesive blog.

Artificial Intelligence
Deconstructing Hell
Aliens
Technology & Culture
World Religions & Spirituality</font>

Fear. I think it’s fair to say that the worst outcome imaginable would be experiencing torment for eternity with no hope of escape, mercy, or redemption –this is what many have traditionally come to call hell. Many fears in our lives may indeed feed our general sense of restlessness and anxiety, but I often wonder if some form of this ‘eternal hopelessness’ lurks at the back of every human subconscious and is the most despairing fear of all. I have experienced firsthand what how this fear can wither a person, and I want to do what I can to show that fire's true heart is not to torment or destroy, but to lovingly refine.
Fear feeds our desire/need for control and desire to protect ourselves…technologies give us the illusion of control...they keep promising us more control and happiness, yet they seem to instead be making our lives more uncertain and complex –some might argue that our increasing techno-dependency is even the most dehumanizing factor of our age.
Yet we keep hoping our new technologies will fix the problems old technologies have brought about….AI is one of our age’s primary new hopes for handling the complexities we have created –an intelligence vaster & faster than our own…we hope in an other intelligence to help answer our questions, solve our problems, and, if truth be told, to befriend us in our loneliness.
The field of AI will surely make major advances, some would say even to the point in which they surpass or usurp humanity –all part of evolution’s progressive march.
Perhaps some other beings in the universe have already gone through this stage and are using amazing technologies –perhaps they are even already among us now, slowly feeding us information to speed our evolution –or to enslave us.
Aliens are another object of our age’s fascination and hope…that some beings will come down from an advanced civilization and rescue us from our complex mess. Yet while any of this is possible, my hunch is that it is a deepening of our spirituality that will get us out of the mess that we are creating, that will bring us the deep joy and fulfillment we all desire on some level. That is of course why I am interesting in studying the world’s religions. What do they have to teach me? What do they have in common, what differs and conflicts? What spiritual experiences have people had? Who do we know who is *truly* happy, fulfilled, living a meaningful, contented life? When, if, I meet these people --and their words find integrity with their actions (unlike mine) --I hope that they can help me along the way.

Mon, 31 May 2004 06:34:37 GMT

A genie just appeared before me and said
"I will grant you one wish, but you must ask it by midnight tonight".
Anything?
Anything at all.

(Strangest thing, one idea that just popped in my mind was to get to meet with my Grandpa Hopkins and talk to him about all that he learned in this life and about what he'd like to pass on to me, etc)

Yet nothing seems to attract me.

Can a genie grant me the ability to grieve?

I think thats really want I want:
To know how to grieve; to have the time, space, and safety to do it; and to choose it --not run away from it.

To grieve, let go, and accept the loss of a healthy family (especially a daddy), loss of childhood, loss of adulthood, loss of "just-Anna-and-me-hood", loss of Maia, loss of a simple secure belief system, etc.

Because I am numb tonight, and nothing feels.
Nothing attracts.
Nothing really even tempts.
Nope.

The closest attraction, which is a fraction from numbness, is this sort of rare chance to sit and surf the info highway, maybe bump into a magic fish who could grant me a wish.

But then it would probably be the same wish.
Probably

Mon, 31 May 2004 06:23:17 GMT

Wow, hey great...I can now, thanks to wireless, sit on my mom's porch on lake washington and totally ignore the amazing view before me.
Actually, if I tilt the screen down on my laptop far enough, I can just type. No glare. No zombification.

I don't really want to do this stupid journal stuff.

I know what I need to do:
Let go of expectations that Thayer and I can or should be close (as well as other family members), let go of judgements and expectations and desires to have more in common, for them (my family) to have similar intersts as me, see things as I do, talk about spiritual matters, etc....and just start accepting things for how they are:

Distant
Dysfunctional
Different
Changing
Surprsiing

Yet THEY ARE SO FUCKING MATERIALISTIC AND JERKY!

I know I partly pretend to not like them because they seem to not like me. I get paranoid that they know things about me that they shouldn't (family gossip) or that they have strange stereotypes about me (a fundy Christian?) or something..that bugs me.

Well, boys will be boys.
Suburbians will be suburbians.

And yet I must say that I also admire him and his family in so many ways --I was feeling inspired a few different times tonight by how focused, directed, hard working they are...and then the stories about my sister Maia and her work and travels, etc. that were told by the UC Berkeley Teacher at the Grad ceremony for the award given in her name.

Part of me would like to go back to school again...

Anthropology?
History?
Journalism?
Phd in Theology?

I need better writing skills, to know about hwo the world works, its history, politics, etc.
I want to do that just to be a more well rounded person...and then hopefully it could/would translate into 'the perfect job' (teacher, journalist extraordinare)...

What the heck am I going to do with my life? I'm 33 and Zin's just gonna keep growin up...

How do people do all they do?

How does Thayer work as hard as he does, manage multiple rentals, travel, have a family of three, each of them busy with so many activities, etf..his wife Lisa works as well, and on and on...

I don't get it.
Its nuts.

I feel so lazy, or inefficient and scattered sometimes. I'm tempted to blame others --Anna, my family past, whatever...

Its so attractive...the idea of having a focus, one job that is creative, decent paying, flexible, and that I can really put my heart into....see thats the thing...there are so many times I could have made big money in tech related industries (I was behind the wave) --but I just didn't feel right about where things were heading...I couldn't get behind it.
I need to beleive in what I'm doing....or am I just making excuses, trying to sound "better than" (those who I am juding in my head right now), etc.

Is the truth that I just refuse to choose, to commit, to decide on one area/topic/and get good at it?

Nobody, but maybe Somebody, really knows.

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 21:40:54 GMT

These are the delightfully diverse, inspired, and surprisingly helpful responses my worldviews class students gave to the question:
If God exists, why does God seem so hard to hear, get to know, feel loved by, etc?
----------------------

I’m not entirely sure. I think if god really does exist, than its not a matter of hearing what he says as a matter of truly paying attention to the messages. I think some people really fear the answers to their dilemmas especially when it includes change and therefore (they) refuse to pay attention to what’s right in front of them.

I think that sometimes people just need to stop and listen in their lives –they have too much going on around them to notice. When its summer and I’m not doing too much, I seem to notice God more, acknowledge more things around me –I have time to just stop. When I’m in school, busy everyday…I seem to forget about God –I get distracted by “Life”.

I honestly don’t believe that there is a “God” but I do think that there are forces out there (I) think about it as a force no one can explain or understand ?one we live around love. So in a way, I don’t think it is supposed to speak to you or function it is just something you can’t help. So if there is a “God” there is no need for him to show himself –you’ll just know. Like Love.

If God does exist, it is hard to hear, see, know be loved by, so ?? that is everywhere. It’s like a person with a loud speaker or a ?concert? -its loud enough, and is alive, talking…but the surrounding noise is distracting. So all you have to do is cut out the surrounding noise and focus on the voice.

We take ourselves so seriously! Perhaps we can’t hear or understand well because it is SO BIG! And we’re still protocells in the primordial soup. Someday, perhaps, we will be on the level to hear him, but so far, we’re still too small. We must learn to look out, around, & ?. And yet, as yet, we’re still too young and small to hear clearly.

If god exists maybe we cannot hear him because we don’t believe in him anymore. Maybe k-mart and McDonalds has become our god and we have been so twisted by war and hate that god can no longer speak to us because we refuse to hear.

Because he doesn’t interact with us and I don’t want him to. We can do it ourselves.

It’s because communication with God is at a higher level than speaking or gestures, things that would make talking to God easier. This is not because God is “too good” for human speech, but because emotional and spiritual communication is much more powerful than anything else. For example, do feel love more by saying “I love you” to someone or do feel it more by embracing them? When you feel a strong emotion that seems out of place, that could be a communication from God. You just have to notice its there.

I don’t believe in God, so I don’t know that I identify exactly, but often I feel that it is hard to maintain a connection with my spiritual self. Maybe that is, in a way, the same thing. Sometimes I get so caught up in life and all that is going around me that I don’t stop to relax and allow myself to feel loed and connected to. Sometimes I feel like I’m so busy I don’t know who I am because I haven’t taken the time to be with myself. Maybe these things would also make it hard to get to know, hear, or be loved by God. I guess you could say God for me is in myself as a part of a higher connection. We all just nee to slow down and look at the sky, at a blade of grass, at a rock…

Because (one of my many explanations) people are too self-involved to listen. He/She/It is everywhere. Take the time to stop and just let it come to you. Also –it doesn’t exist on a human level. Its like asking why its so hard for a fish or cats or deer to understand humans. We are essentially a different species with vastly different functions. It would help if I could also explain more thoroughly who and what god is.

Sat, 20 Mar 2004 16:51:54 GMT

6:00
Once again, I wake up earlier than I'd like (and its a Saturday today!) and sit in bed. Soon its...
6:30
I lay wondering, worrying, plotting, planning, hoarding. By hoarding I mean I sit there trying to decide,
"If I wake up now, I'll probably have a free hour, maybe even two, before Z&A wake up. What do I want to do?"
And then I start hoarding.
But I reap what I sow, for I end up totally overwhelmed with options:
-Read one of 25 books I've started or that I want to read?
-Work on a computer project, importing video or sending out a Zinnia update?
-Go for a bike ride?
-Cleanup & Organize my office, low priority while the rest of our house is a total mess?
-Write in my journal or LJ?
-Do some real estate research online, for new listings?
-Go for a walk?
-Play a game on my computer, which I haven't done in months and yet (thankfully?) I don't for some reason have much
desire to do anyway...I hadn't played for years then when I got my new kick ass computer, I had to check out the scene (this is the kind of comment one adds to a LJ)
-Attempt to spend some time in prayer, or some spiritual discipline? What flavor? Will I be met, or left wondering and confused once again?

(This last option is what my heart says I need, but it gets pushed out my desires and by me fears that I won't know where to start. My inner life is in such transition these days. Poor me, poor me.)

Truth: I am MAJORLY blessed with an amazing wife and new daughter. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world and in a 'just right' house and acreage --our own private park! I have four flexible jobs that I really enjoy and that I rarely have anything to complain about. I have financial assets beyond most of people my age, as our asset to debt ratio is above the red a good chunk. I am not lacking in any possessions I would like (besides somekind of boat to get around these beautiful islands!)
I live in the midst of an amazingly supportive community, with some potential new friends growing more and more. I get to work with and befriend a bunch of really amazing kids on this island. And more and more...

When I stay focused and thankful for these truths, I do pretty durn good.
However, this always seems to be the temptation to think/feel with U2 "I still haven't found what I'm looking for."
Maybe its as simple as missing God, or closeness to God --which used to be more regular and went deeper than anything or anyone else could.

I just don't know.

Fri, 27 Feb 2004 15:47:00 GMT

Despite the fact that I secretely often laugh at all the tests and things that people take, I found this one --a "Moral attitudes" test interesting...here are my results
Moral Test

(In short,
"Based on your answers to the previous questions, your overall score on a conservative/liberal dimension of moral attitudes--compared with the general population--puts your percentile at 58, with the 99th percentile indicating the most liberal possible rating. Another way of explaining this is to say that out of 100 randomly-selected people, you will most likely be more liberal than 58 of them.

Your values are neither extremely traditional nor particularly progressive.
When it comes to social morals, you feel that society's current laws need to be more flexible in some areas.
You believe that government is too conservative and would prefer it to change several of its political and practices.")

Thu, 26 Feb 2004 06:08:58 GMT

Just a quick little note to let the few of you out there who might read my posts know that I am alive.
I've been frustratingly busy, a few private posts to LJ and a quick scan or to of your posts, but thats all I've had time for.
A 6 month old wonder-baby who is also a teething baby, four jobs, a musical...oh yeah, and the rest of life.

And my off-island friends think life on island must be slow and boring...I'm busier than I was in the city.

Anyways, gotta go.

G'night.

Thu, 19 Feb 2004 05:47:13 GMT

What do I REALLY believe and feel about anything these days.
Who/what is underneath the dark waters?

I really am not sure.

Weird, sad, scary.

Too close to comfortably numb these days.

I doubt this screen helps.

What I like and dislike about computers/tech

Sun, 15 Feb 2004 15:53:58 GMT

What I like:
-Being proficient with computers, I enter into a safe, feel-good-about-myself space when using them (sort of) -they can distract/entertain/occupy in a healthy hobby kind of way.
-You can do so many cool, seemingly magical, things with them --an endless number of things really as there are thousands of applications that pop up each year --fun and useful.
-It seems like I am now able to record/log history with writings, pictures, audio and video.
-I can meet new people and find new information faster and more efficiently than ever
-I can make cool looking things
-Email as a way of conversing --it enables me to keep track of conversations --every word and idea is logged and can be responded to...there is less ambiguity about the tone, nonverbals, etc.. And its easy and cheap to meet/reach/keep in contact with people all over the world.
-I can play all my music randomly and hear things I haven't hear for a long time
-I can see random slideshow pictues from the past (as my screen saver and WMP plug-in) that would otherwise most likely be sitting in a dusty old album
-Writing on a computer seems easier/more efficient than handwriting (faster, searchable, easier to organized, etc)
-I can send firends pictures of Zinnia easily, quickly and cheaply
-Being more proficient than most people in my comunity, its generated some income as a computer coach --and I can help people who are frustrated/afraid of computers.
-Occasionally, and for a a small period of time, I come across some really fun creative games that not only stimulate my 'fancy', they even challenge/expand imagination, etc.

What I DisLike:
-They all too easily become an escape for me from dealing with real life, real relationships, real feelings, pain, resposabilities, etc. -basically, it becomes a drug.
-I can so easily end up spending way too much time on them --the hours just slip by, or add up throughout the day.
-I don't like how I often find myself thinking about computer related things to do when I'm not in front of a computer --in other words it steals my attention from the moment, from the 'now' of family, friends, creativity, etc.
-They can be endless updated, tweaked, upgraded --they change so fast and what was once 'fast and plenty enough' becomes slow and not enough. A black hole for the greedy impatient side of me
-They somehow seem to make me feel less connected to real life, nature, the 'alive' world (picture yourself with a laptop on a beach...it sounds nice a first, but when you try it doesn't really work --at least for me)
-My brain frequently gets mushy & spacey while staring at a screen and then for a while afterwards.
-When talking to someone while in front of a screen, I only give them a small percentage of my attention...I'm not really listening (but can sometimes fake it.)
-The more cool gadgets I get, the more responsibility I feel to us them -(ie Am I taking enough picture, video, audio of Zinnia? I must record for her her whole childhood.)
-My PPC, since it is on my at all times, adds the disadvantage of being with me all the time and all the above problems are now 24/7
-My wife can get frustrated and feel hurt when I spend time popping into my office o check email, LJ, etc. trhoughout the day.
-I seem to rely more and more on it (for my memory for example) and less and les on natural faculties --which become wek, lazy and unused.
-I sometimes wonder if all the tech special effects and "wow"-graphics make the rest of life seem sort of boring, less spectular (i.e. star wars view of space vs. looking in your telescope at a small white, but REAL, blob of a galaxy)

I'm sure their are more in each category, but that should give the reader a glimpse of my struggle.

How about you?

Prayeralysis

Sun, 15 Feb 2004 15:42:48 GMT

I hope this works:
*Cool note: I am siting on a comfortable chair, using a wireless keyboard, not looking at my laptop's screen (I find screens seem to kill my creative process, numb my brain, and distract me with all the things I could do on the computer) --sure I'll have a harder time editing...but that can be done later. The only other problem is that the keyboard I'm using is much noisier than my quiet-slick-laptop-keyboard (little mice feet vs. clackety-clack) --and its 6:30 in the morning, A & Z asleep. Well, I'll give it a spin.

So, I woke up this morning (6:15) with the song "sweet hour of prayer" going through my head --a song that our friend Mandy Torxel sings on a tape of hers...maybe/probably it was coincedence, but I thought I'd take the chance that it was sign of Intelligence in the universe --of someone who knew and cared about me and wanted to hang out with me like we used to almost every morning. However, as I sat in my chair, I found myself simply paralyzed by not knowing how to start communing with God and then frustrated that She/He was not taking the first step.
"Why the heck won't you pursue me in an easier, more obvious way? You've done it before, its flowed easier, at least I think I remember that. Now instead, like like my real dad, you just passively wait for me to call. How do we connect, especially with all the struggles, changes, doubts, frustrations, confusions, etc. that I feel lately? I need more from you God. Maybe I'm being lazy and impatient, but I need help then."

So I gradually started to give up, think about what else I could do with this rare free/personal time.

And yet again I was paralyzed: Do I read one of the many books that ae starting to pile up on my 'to read' shelf? Do I persevere and try some other 'spiritual' exercises? Do I write in my journal and get all these frustrations out --putting it out on LJ, hoping that someone has the answer to all my problems, or at least feels some similar struggles, offering some sympathy? Do I work on one of the numerous projects that I'd like to do (putting old 8mm video onto my computer, downloading CDs to my computer, organazing my office/desk, etc.)

How the f*%$& do I choose?

"What do you most want to do" is a voice I hear--I don't really know though. Seeing as I'm writing, I guess geting these thoughts and feelings out was what I most wanted to do. But then again, in the past 12 hrs my brain has come up with about a dozen different things I'd like to write about.

Well, at least I've taken a step and starting writing.
I sure wish it was easier to just 'snuggle' with God like I used to though.

Sun, 15 Feb 2004 06:47:34 GMT

I'd like to explore some new ways of journaling.

Oh really, like what?

Well, I was thinking maybe a dialogue type style?

Why, are you lonely and have no friends?

No, I think it just might be an interesting way to see how things progress.

Well, too bad you only have about 10 to 15 minutes a night to do it in.

No, I have more than that --thats just a way to end the day, an understanding gift from Anna.

Hmmm.

You sound doubtful...

No, its just that it seems like the rest of the day you are also busy with work and family --and when you have free time you use it to dink around on the computer.

Well, that's sometmes true, but not always. Yet its true, I don't have a ton of free time. But anyways, can we please move beyond this.

Do you really want to?

Yes.

Well, what do you want to talk about tongiht?

Well, first of all --I wonder if some people who read this might think I'm going crazy.

Possibly, but I doubt it...or rather, they already know you're crazy. If you're lucky, you'll just get a few knowing smiles.

True. Thanks...I think.

Anything else...

A ton...its just so hard to decide when you only have a few minutes. But following that whine would bring us back to the previous topic, so I'll stop.
I saw the movie Mona Lisa smiles tonight. Thought it was actually pretty good --enlightment to a time when women were even more enslaved to male expectations, a few good twists, some great acting, and even inspiring to see Julia Robert's character's integrity at the end.

Anything you didn't like about it.

A little over dramatic at times and later I came to agree with Anna that they didn't really show enough of the downside of the promiscous/'liberalized' single woman life --it has its share of pains too.

Hmmm.

Uh yeah. Well, I hear Zinnia being kinda frumpish in the background (tired and teething I think) and so its hard to feel okay about sitting in here writing right now, so maybe I should be moving on. truly though, I would like to be writing a little more creatively, honestly, insightfully --this Livejournal thing is kinda weird how it effects my writing...

What do you mean?

Well, I used to just be torn with how honest to be when journaling (not only how transparent, but actually what was real honesty --things get so complex) and now I not only have the honesty struggle --but, being public, I also feel the temptation to try and provide writing that is funny or insightful or moving, etc. --and that kind of pressure only makes things worse. We'll see, maybe I'm just not cut out for LJ -or maybe I should be doing more private journaling, and let this be used for something else. Or MAYBE, as I think CSL hinted at, journaling is just one big negative way of getting ourselves more focused on ourselves than we already are and should be.
My trust is that Love will reveal this truth in time.

Goodnight and happy Valentines day to anybody reading this silly post. Hope it was entertaining. (;

Sat, 14 Feb 2004 06:31:56 GMT

Too late for much now.

Financial stuff on my mind...investments...how much to think of ourselves, how much to think of helping some friends.

Had a rare babysitting tonight --Anna and I went out for a pre-V-day dinner, it was actually quite nice (except for Anna's occasional panic of 'hope Zinny's okay --but even that was fine and funny...and I must confess, I felt a little bit too).

Goodnight any and all.

Fri, 13 Feb 2004 05:57:25 GMT